Today it’s my pleasure to be taking part in the blog tour for Doing Scary by Donald M. Bell. My thanks to Rachel Gilbey at Authoright for inviting me to be a part of the tour. I have a guest post from the author to share in just a moment, as soon as we’ve taken a look at what the book is all about.
The Official Book Blurb
Two marriages haunted by betrayal. Four people whose pursuit of the American Dream has taken a nightmarish turn.
Roman and Sage Bryant-Cole have spent nine months trying to salvage what was left of their marriage after it was rocked by the revelation of Roman’s serial affairs. Sage is dealt a second blow when she discovers that her cherished cousin, Owen Bryant, has been cheated on by his ruthless, gold-digging wife, Leah.
Sage’s discovery hits the reset button on the progress she and Roman had been making on their marriage, as all the doubts and fears she has tried to suppress come flooding back. In order to reclaim Sage’s trust, and to save a love now left dangling by a thread, Roman must take his efforts to win back his wife to another level.
Leah and Owen Bryant are visited by a ghost from their past; Leah’s college sweetheart, Casey. Leah and Owen must confront a dark secret at the heart of their marriage, if they are to stand a chance of surviving as a couple.
One family’s legacy, two marriages, four lives, and millions of dollars are at stake.
Doing Scary is a coming of age story which explores the transition from adolescence to adulthood and the battles we face in our thirties to keep our spiritual, emotional and psychological progress in check, as the things we hold most dear are put to the test.
Guest Post from Donald M. Bell
The first things I tell a person who wants to put their marriage back together after they have had an affair is putting your marriage back together will be the most difficult things you will engage in period. Nothing else comes close. Not because its hard but because it’s a process not an event. It not just one thing it’s a bunch of things. It’s not one revelation but a series of revelations. It’s not one battle that needs to be fought it’s a war that needs to be won. It’s not just one symptom that needs to be addressed it is a disease that needs to be treated. It is not one deep conversation but a dialogue that needs to be opened. It’s not few boundaries that need to be put in place it is an entire house that needs reframing. It’s not a few tweaks that need to be made it’s an entire relationship that needs to be renegotiated.
I then tell them as much as you may want to settle the issues of whether your marriage will survive or not we are a long way off from answering that question. That’s because neither one of you are prepared to answer that question. Putting a marriage back together is like providing disaster relief for a person whose life has been devastated by a natural disaster like a flood or an earthquake it needs to be done in phases. After walking with hundreds of people over the past I have I have identified three distinct phases of recovery. The response phase, the resolution phase, and the renegotiation phase.
Immediately following a natural disaster, a person is in survival mode their capacity to take in and process long term goals and objectives is severely compromised. The same thing can be said for someone who just found out their spouse has had an affair. The look in their eyes is no different than that of someone seeing the remains of house ripped off its foundation by a tornado. They are traumatized and in need of emergency relief. Believe me when I say, I am not over dramatizing the connection between the damage caused by a natural disaster and that of an affair. In the same way fire, wind, rain and earthly convulsions can disrupt, displace, and destroy lives. Here’s the harsh reality I would like for you to begin to wrap your head around: There is nothing mother nature can do to batter a home that an affair can’t match in its intensity and devastation.
The response phase is the most critical phase of the recovery process because it determines the trajectory of the relationship moving forward. Neglect this phase and you may save the marriage but you will never win back their heart or their trust. The response phase begins immediately after the confirmation an affair has taken place and it covers the period. The length of time it takes depends on the scope and magnitude of the affair. The transition from the response phase to the recovery phase starts when the spouse who has been cheated on starts to focus on the relationship and not the affair.
As the name implies the focus of the response phase is to be responsive to your spouse, particularly to the trauma they are suffering. Notice I said that in the present tense. Finding out a spouse has cheated on you is only the first assault on their dignity, as the days go by and the details of the affair come to light your spouse’s dignity will take another hit. It is important to be sensitive to the fact that although you may have ended the affair it is still an unfolding situation for your spouse.
Here is a list three things you can do to communicate to your spouse that you want to reconnect and engaged them:
- Don’t have an affair and expect life to be fair. Drop fair from your vocabulary. The notion that life is fair ended the day you started having the affair. Becoming a responsive partner is a totally one-sided endeavor. It is not about you or the marriage, it’s about your spouse. This is the season where you restore credibility by being there for them as they go through the rollercoaster ride of emotions it takes to regain their dignity and move towards acceptance.
- Lead with your heart and follow up with your head. Sharing what’s authentically on your heart is the fastest way to reconnect with your spouse. keep in mind “I feel…” with a genuine feeling attached to it is always better “I think…” following up with your head means you’re an active listener.
- Do not defend the indefensible. Avoid the tendency to try to save face. When try to defend the inexcusable it sends the message that you still don’t get it.
- Do not initiate the unstainable. Don’t make promises, commitments or changes you know you won’t be able to sustain. I cannot tell how many spouses I have watched promise or do things their personality, character and skill set can’t follow through on, only to back off on their promises when they become burned out and frustrated. Leaving their spouse even more disillusioned.
- Recognize there is no short cut worth taking. The response phase takes as long as it takes. It’s not your call to say when enough is enough. Everybody grieves differently.
Doing Scary is available now from the following retailers:
About the Author
Donald M. Bell Sr. is the Senior Pastor/Teacher of Covenant Blessing Fellowship (CBF) launched out of an adult bible study 2001. Pastor Bell has been preaching since he was sixteen and holds a professional degree in Organizational Psych. Behavior. Bell’s profound ability to communicate spiritual principles in secular settings has been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show, ABC 20/20, and the documentaries Sister I’m Sorry, and Soul Mate. He was also a weekly guest on KJLH nationally syndicated radio program Love in the Spirit hosted by Kevin Nash. Bell lives in a suburb of Los Angeles with his lovely wife, Michelle, who wedded in 1994 and is the father of three.
Why not check out some of the other blogs taking part in the tour.