Jen watch… my adventures in Crime (Fest)

So today has been a better day. Courtesy of some very wonderful bloggers and a handful of authors who sought me out to say hi, it has been an easier day all around. Don’t get me wrong, the days are generally easier anyway as when you go into a panel you are just one of many who are sitting watching and listening. There is no pressure to do anything other than turn up.

That said, I had some great chats with my fellow bloggers and even with new and aspiring authors who wanted to know more about Facebook groups and blogging/blog tours. And this is where I am back to being funny strange because if somebody asks me a direct question on a subject I know something about I can talk freely and easily and you would not think I had a care in the world. Another person asks me a little bit about myself and I respond in monosyllables followed by a succession of nodding and staring into space and I forget to ask them anything back. This is where I suck at life. This is why I become anxious and nervous and want the ground to open up and swallow me. This is where, when faced with the question ‘so are you a writer too?’ I respond with the age old put down ‘no. I’m no one. I’m just a blogger.’

Just a blogger.

How disrespectful does that sound to all of you wonderful people who spend so long slaving over your blogs and reviews getting them just so? Told you I suck at life.

It was a good day today as I caught up with an author I met last year when I came to Crime Fest as ‘just a reader’. Bernie Steadman is lovely so conversation was quite easy and as I’ve read and reviewed her book now we had something more to talk about. And this afternoon I had a lovely long(ish) chat with Matt Johnson who I have met before and who is a thoroughly lovely fellow, so very easy to talk to as, after all he has been through, he has learned to accept not to take the little things in life too seriously. I could learn a lot from him as god knows he has more reason to be nervous and anxious than I do.

And tonight… Well I was planning to settle in for another night with a bottle of Pepsi max but got persuaded to meet some people instead (not in the bar this time and so it felt a little easier). When we finally went to the bar later it was easier because I wasn’t walking in alone to a room full of people who were already engaged in conversation and who all clearly knew each other. I was still in fish out of water territory, sometimes hanging back as the conversations happened around me, and I’ve probably scratched a nice big hole in my arm which is no mean feat given that I’ve already bitten my nails down to the lowest point they have been in years. But often I was involved and engaged in the conversations too.

Because that folks is how stupid and pointless and self doubting I am. If someone talks to me I am happy to talk back but I cannot start a conversation and I cannot sustain one. If I know you I’ve half a chance. If I don’t… But this evening, albeit briefly, I met Jane Isaac, Fiona Cummins (who actually recognised me AND knew my name which was a bit surreal) and had a bit of a blather with Sam Carrington. It has been quite a night.

Oh and bless Karen Sullivan. She is such a lovely lady and god knows why but has such faith in me and my reviews. And she has also helped create a key memory for the evening. Just to show it’s not all bad when I can find the nerve… (I sound like the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz. Tbf we have the same hair) . 

The best thing… no tears tonight although I came close earlier today and again his evening but I’m getting there. Baby steps…

Of course come July when I go to Harrogate these monumental steps forward will be forgotten again and I’ll be in hiding from everyone. My hotel looks nice though so could be worse…

The other side effect of going out tonight is that I will now spend then next two hours analysing everything I said and did and wondering how I could have done it differently and what I should have said rather than what I did say. Not to worry. Gym opens again in just over four hours.

Have a pleasant night all. Or morning. Whatever.

JL

17 thoughts on “Jen watch… my adventures in Crime (Fest)

  1. I’m so sorry to hear you feel like that, wish I could have been there and shared some of that anxiety with you, to relieve the burden. I love your blog, and crime writers are such a friendly bunch, so the starting point is solid. But take your time and be good to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jen you are a lovely woman & I only met you briefly in Leeds! Just a blogger indeed! You are an amazing blogger!
    I’m glad you got out and about last night and got the chance to talk to some folk lat night!
    Karen is an absolute star of a lady!
    And I’m looking forward to seeing you on Harrogate xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh with the blurry! Did Karen take that picture? Was she drunk? 😄.

    And why oh why did nobody take advantage of this Thomas/Ragnar sandwich moment?! Whyyy?!

    I’m proud of you! You could easily have stayed in your room. Heck, you could have gone home! But you didn’t. Keep taking those baby steps. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So pleased to hear that you had a better day, Jen. You are wonderful and kind and funny (not in a strange way, whatever you say!) and you’re doing great. Don’t worry about yesterday, don’t analyse it (easier said, I know) and enjoy the rest of the weekend! Jo x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you (but I am definitely strange lol). Going to try and keep pushing myself. I didn’t implode last night so that’s a positive step 😳. I do chuckle when I see my fit bit monitor data though as I managed to reach fat burning zone as far as heart rate is concerned while standing still in the bar lol.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. So glad the second day went better, Jen. You are very brave.

    I can understand how you freeze when asked about yourself. For me, the awful question is ‘what is your book about?” and you stand there trying to condense 100,000 words into a dozen or so. In the end, I learned to create and practise an ‘elevator pitch’. Maybe you could do the same: something like ‘I blog as jenmedsbookreviews. My preferred genres are xyz’.

    Do you have business cards? It is very useful to be able to say, ‘let me give you my card’. You can order them quite cheaply online – I use Vistaprint – and it is surprising how often I hand them out.

    All the best

    Catherine

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do have cards but too fluffing nervous to hand them out as who’d want my cards lol. Have given a couple but only. Excuse it’s easier than people trying to remember my web address. I’ve had to add a disclaimer though as if they start reading none of my reviews they could be there a long time. 😉

      Like

  6. Glad your day was better, you’ll get there. I’m going to Harrogate as well- I’ll be hiding in the opposite corner! I know I’ll recognise people but worry about introducing myself as they look blankly at me, or worse beyond 😯 Have a good week. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: Rewind, recap: weekly roundup w/e 21/05/17. Part 2 – Crime Fest and Beyond – Jen Med's Book Reviews

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